


My Love, Leave Yourself Behind

by happycookiie



Category: The Walking Dead (Cast), The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Actor and Character Relationship, Angst, Bittersweet, Character Death, Closure, F/F, F/M, Friendship, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Inner Mental Debate, Other, Psychological Drama, Real Life Counterparts, Romance, TV Relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-23
Updated: 2016-03-23
Packaged: 2018-05-28 16:19:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6335884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/happycookiie/pseuds/happycookiie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How do you let go of someone who's literally become a part of you? Who, even if they're not real, have been there for you through it all. A girl with sunshine hair and a swinging braid. A girl who showed you a world in a terrible story about death and ruin where hope could still flourish. Where a bird could still sing its song, and a flame could still flicker in the dark.</p>
<p>How does Emily Kinney ever bring herself to let go of Beth Greene?</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Love, Leave Yourself Behind

**Author's Note:**

> Inspiration for the writing of this short multi-chaptered fic was taken from the song: "My Love" by Sia, and Stephenie Meyer's novel: "The Host". Emily and Beth communicate via mental conversations just as Wanderer and Melanie did, and even though Beth isn't actually real like Melanie, she feels real to both Emily and to us.
> 
> Writing this has felt a lot more personal than I'd thought it would, and I'm deeply emotional when posting this in the hopes that you'll all have an emotional response too. So here's my take on Emily's feelings for the character she played/plays (idek anymore lol), and how she reacted to what was done to her in that horrible, horrible episode eight of season five.
> 
> I hope you enjoy it. <3

_My love, leave yourself behind._  
_Beat inside me, leave you blind._  
_My love, you have found peace,_  
_You were searching for release._

—

She still remembers the moment she was given the news. The terrible news in the form of forbidden broken words tumbling out of Scott's mouth that marked the end of everything. The end of the escalating hope, the end of Beth and Daryl, and the end of the song.

_Her_ song.

After Scott and Robert had reluctantly told her of the plan to shoot Beth down during the Grady exchange, Emily went home and sat for a while. She remembers not really doing anything apart from just sitting on the old couch in her Atlanta apartment, staring at the black television screen and waiting. Waiting for the tears to come, because they should've. But instead… Nothing.

Just nothing.

An emptiness she couldn't—and still _can't_ to an extent—fill. Because in the closing act of episode eight, a mere ten minutes before the end… Instead of walking away towards life, Beth Greene is going to walk back and towards her death.

And it isn't fair.

.

.

Norman finds out soon after, and it's a bit of an understatement to say that he's moderately pissed, because he's _miles_ more than that. Norman Reedus, the man behind Daryl Dixon and the fan base's main heartthrob, is utterly and absolutely _furious_. And when Norman Reedus is mad, he doesn't attempt to hide it at all. He goes straight to Scott Gimple and kicks up a fuss, despite Andy and the rest of the cast's protests and warnings. Emily pleads him not to, despite the heaviness and empty façade that's fallen over her, but he won't have any of it.

Beth is important to him, just like she is to Daryl, and he's going to do everything he can to try and save her from this abysmal outcome.

Sometimes appeals are presented to change the script and keep certain characters alive, Melissa says. Sometimes they're accepted too. It happened to her when Sarah went and requested for Carol to live back in season three, whilst Lori perished.

Melissa tells her not to give up yet because if they did it for her, they can do it for her as well. Beth has potential. She's not in full bloom yet, her petals just spreading out to flower, and Mel thinks the writers can be persuaded to change their minds if they give it a go. If she would only try.

_Try, Emily_ , the manifestation of Beth that's flowered in her brain urges. _Don't lose hope_.

_It won't kill ya to have a little faith_.

.

.

Only it does, because the appeal is _denied_ , and Beth is sent hurtling towards that terrible moment in the Grady Memorial Hospital corridor like a falling star, earthbound and on course to plummet straight into a scorched crater.

The tears do come then, big thick droplets, and they have to take a short break for Emily to compose herself. She rushes to a spot that's not as crowded as the rest of the set and takes a deep breath, smearing the tears across her cheeks and mixing the damp with the makeup and scar that'll have to be touched up before they start shooting.

_Scars don't form on the dying,_ Beth insists _. Scars are supposed to mean we survived._

Emily shakes her away with the tears.

Lauren finds her then, and she looks like she's going to cry at the sight of her. She reaches out and cups Emily's cheeks, tears wobbling at her own eyes, and shakes her head.

"…I can't believe this is happening to you," she whispers, accent thick and shaky.

It's hard to tell where Maggie and Beth end sometimes, and where Lauren and Emily begin. Regardless of if they're in front of a camera or just about their daily lives, Lauren still feels so much like a genuine sister to her.

Emily squeezes Lauren's wrist and forces a smile, swallowing back the tears.

"It's okay," she breathes, "Beth would've… She wouldn't have wanted to say goodbye."

_She doesn't like goodbyes_.

Hand-in-hand, they go back to the corridor and film the scene.

It's worse than it seemed in the script. Christine puts her Dawn mask on and demands Noah back, and it's her _I knew you'd be back_ that sets Beth off. After pulling away from Tyler, Emily allows Beth to engulf her. She flashes her best silent glare and steps towards the woman. Squeezing the tiny fake scissors in her hand and swallowing discretely, she ignores how stupid the whole situation is, how stupid _Beth_ is, and utters her final line.

"…I get it now."

Then she plunges the fake scissors into Christine's shoulder and throws her head back as if she's been shot (because Beth _has_ ) and drops to the ground.

The bridal carry of death that comes after this is awful, and despite Norman's endless pre-crying on that apple box on the edge of the set to exhaust all his tears, he's still sobbing quietly when he comes to pick her up.

Emily breathes a half-sob of her own and closes her eyes to try hold in the tears. She'd hug him, but Scott deliberately stressed that no one did anything of the sort until _after_ the scene's been filmed, because the complete level of loss and hopelessness needs to be captured. So with shaky breaths, Norman steps closer and winds one arm around her waist and another beneath her knees, and scoops her up. Just like he did on that hot summer day last year, when Daryl and Beth were alone in the funeral home, and he carried her giddily to their lame trash brunch.

It's the cruellest of parallels and the most awful of contrasts.

Unable to wind her arms around his neck lively like she had before, Emily lets her body sag in his arms and she goes completely limp.

Norman seems alarmed at first, a puff of startled breath erupting from his mouth at her eerily realistic acting, and his grip on her tightens almost possessively. _Desperately_ , like he's clinging onto her and willing her to flail in his arms and wake up.

_Don't let them do this_ , Beth whispers. _To him… To you_.

Eyes lightly closed as the _action!_ is yelled, Emily tries to ignore the fictional counterpart that's permanently woven her way into her brain. But Beth has never been a pushover, and it takes more than anything Emily's tried to get her to be quiet.

_It'll kill him too. You know it will_.

_There's nothing I can do_ , Emily retorts, as Norman carries her out through the hospital doors. _I'm sorry_.

Beth goes silent then, but she'll never be silent forever, and Emily hears Lauren's broken wail of despair tear through the air as Norman carries her flaccid body forward into the centre of the parking lot. They film the scene a few more times for footage, and they have to keep re-filming certain parts of the montage because Norman keeps almost dropping her or accidentally grabbing her breast.

She knows she's playing dead weight, but she also knows she's not at all heavy. And this is Norman Reedus. He's hardly a weakling in the strength department.

He's stalling.

Delaying the inevitable. Clutching every moment with her that he can, because this is the last moment Daryl Dixon will _ever_ share with Beth Greene… And that hurts.

_Some reunion, huh, Emily?_

.

.

When the episode finally airs on TV, the fan response is _enormous_. Not just big; people are _outraged_ , and her cameo on Talking Dead after the episode feels like a nightmare, despite Chris Hardwick's warm words and not-creepy hug, as he dubbed it. And even though it's probably a little bit pathetic, Emily can't help tearing up on the mention of her fellow… No.

_Former_ cast members.

When she goes home, she tries to cheer herself up by scrolling the internet and reading some of the audience responses. But doing this just makes her feels even worse, and the tears emerge again at the heartfelt and crestfallen reactions from fans.

_There's no use crying about it now,_ Beth comments sharply, her usually honeyed and gentle personality morphed into something bitter. _It's too late_.

She wipes the tears from her eyes and goes to her apartment kitchen to make herself a mug of coffee.

_It's not my fault this happened_ , she responds.

_You didn't fight for it. Didn't fight for me. You didn't even_ try _!_

_What did you want me to_ do _? You're the one that stabbed her in the shoulder with a pair of tiny medical scissors!_

The blonde farm girl goes quiet then.

Emily somehow feels even worse, and somewhat crazy for talking to a fictional part of her brain, so she decides to retreat for bed. Beth is never silent in her dreams though — always running, always playing that piano… Always singing.

.

.

They call themselves _Team Delusional_.

Beth's been silent for weeks, ever since the episode where the hallucination image of her appeared to Tyreese in episode nine and lead him to the afterlife with her haunting song of death has aired on television. She's starting to realise that it really is all over, and she's feeling more than a little empty over the rising realisation.

But then he sends her the text that changes everything.

At first Emily's confused when Norman sends her a text with a web link attached, telling her to read it. She presses her thumb on the blue hyperlink and opens it in safari. There, she finds an essay of someone's thoughts on how Beth might have in fact _survived_ the gunshot wound instead of dying.

She blinks. There's more… Loads more. There's more than just one person that believes this and there's a whole bunch of them. They even have a group name and a fast-growing internet community.

Team Delusional.

_Look at that…_ They _believe_.

Emily's startled by the sudden return of Beth, and finds herself gasping lightly whilst lying in bed. She stops at a fan edited picture of Beth with a bullet wound added onto her forehead that's captioned: _Wouldn't kill you to have a little faith_. # _TeamDelusional_.

Suddenly she wants to cry all over again.

_Did you read the scripts for the rest of this season?_ Beth asks sourly. _Daryl ain't in a good place; neither's Maggie. What they did ruined them. What you_ let _'em do._

Emily scrolls on.

_That's not really surprising. They loved her, of course they'd be upset._

_You could'a saved them from that_.

_You know I couldn't._

_There it is again._

Emily frowns, frustrated that she's having a mental argument with a girl that's not even real, and a _dead_ girl now as well.

That lone thought sets Beth off.

_You're just like them_.

_Like who?_

_All of them. You don't believe. You don't even care. I thought you were different but you're not. If ya did care you'd'a fought to get me out alive. You'd have saved me._

Closing the tab, Emily deepens her frown and shoves Beth away.

_You're supposed to be tough_ , she retorts, _Couldn't you have saved yourself?_

Silence.

Emily closes her eyes and breathes slowly. Daryl was wrong. She isn't strong, not Beth, not _her_ , and she definitely can't save herself, whether it's from a bullet to the head or leaving a filming set for the final time.

She never could.

Before Emily drifts into sleep, Beth whispers one final thing before the world swallows her into the nightly chasm, and for a second she thinks _she_ can feel the sting of a bullet being torn through the front of her skull.

_You killed me_.

—

_You gave it all,_  
_You gave into the call._  
_You took a chance and,  
_ _You took a fall for us._


End file.
